The Evil Cult Leader List

13 - Michael Jackson

No list of cult leaders would be complete without Michael Jackson on it. How, you may ask, is Michael Jackson a cult leader? My answer to this question would be: "DID YOU SEE HIS LAST TRIAL?" The courthouse was MAULED by his admirers, his legions of faithful fans (comprised mostly of fat 30-something white girls) who rallied to his defense. They carried signs, sang his songs, traveled thousands of miles, lost their jobs, and ended up singing "Man in the Mirror" in a ditch on Santa Monica Boulevard and gagging on a white faux diamond studded glove.

12 - George Lucas

Jar Jar Binks. Enough said.

Actually, it's not enough. George, why didn't you quit while you were ahead? YOU CAN'T DIRECT! STOP TRYING! Seriously people, the man nearly ruined Natalie Portman's career. Compare her performance in "Star Wars: Attack of the Clones" to her performance in "Garden State" and it's like she's a totally different person. In the first example, she's wooden, laughable, and affected. In the second instance, she's warm, endearing, real, and excellently alive. And "Garden State" was directed BY A FIRST TIME DIRECTOR. This should tell us just how bad Lucas is at this stuff. Yet, even so, we all love him. We all lust after Star Wars, see ourselves in it. We'd all line up to see anything that has to do with it from now until the day we die. My belief is that the massive goiter-like growth on his neck is actually some sort of mind control device. I mean, look at that thing. It's MASSIVE. It's making us love George! It's a Jedi mind trick, just like the one Obiwan did at Mos Eisley in Episode 4!!

11 - Hilary Clinton

Once laughably called "the smartest woman in America," Hilary Clinton is loved for absolutely no reason. She's got to have some voodoo working, because to look at her you'd be hard pressed to sign on to any cause she's a part of. She's definitely a Queen Bitch. Yet this is the woman who would be president. You know she's aiming at it and you know a bunch of bra-burning, Harley-riding, short-haired women will be chunking out their ballots for her when the time comes!

10 - Bob Hope

Ok, now I know what you're thinking. He was a national treasure, a patriot, a first-rate comedian, an inspiration, and so much more. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well guess what? He was also a golfer, which just about throws him right under the bus from the get-go. But beyond that, the man had bloody eyes. BLOODY EYES! Remember, just before the end? He had bloody eyes. It was sick and it looked evil, and if you took those eyes and put a 9-iron in his hands... well let's just say that you'd have my version of hell, my friends!

9 - Curt Schilling

This pitcher, the savior of Boston, the bloody red sock man of the Red Socks, is a jackass. Those BAHSTON bastards love him, but the truth is that he played up that friggin' ankle injury to make 'em all swoon! Then they act like he's the tough man, the one who pulled it out, the one to make it happen, the one to break the curse... HORSE PUCKY!! He's nothing, nothing I tell ya! And anyway, we're talking about Massachusetts here people; that's like the gates of Hades!

8 - Elisabeth Taylor / Dionne Warwick / Miss Cleo

Between these three grand dames we ought to have the future laid out free and clear, right? I mean, Miss Cleo can do the "TAHROO CAHD REEDIN'!!" while Dionne breaks out the pyramids and the crystals and communes with Gaia for us. Then Elisabeth "Nut of the Century" Taylor can run around on her 3rd replacement hip shouting "BLAK PERLZ!! BLAK PERLZ!!" So why are they tied for 8th place on this list? Well, they are freaks. Freaks who are into one of the following: astrology, new age, oxycontin, Michael Jackson, tarot cards, psychic networks, robes with dollar store appliqués on them, hair-dos that seem to confirm mental retardation, and... hell, we should have added Liza Minelli to this one!!

7 - Brigham Young / Joseph Smith

We couldn't decide on which Mormon whack-job was the worst, so we listed them both in another tie. Judging from their pictures, "Bring 'em Young" might have liked foppish Joe if he'd had a chance to hang out with him for long... These guys get the special moron prize for willingly following an "angel" named "Moroni." Yeah, talk about an obvious play on words...

6 - Lars Ulrich

Hrm, let's see. Metal mastermind? Check. Self-important blowhard? Check. Overcompensating for standing a mere 4 feet 6 inches off the ground? Check. All that and he took on all those kids who were downloading his songs, too!

5 - Reverend Sun Myung Moon

This guy is a silly son of a bitch. We're sure you've all seen the mass weddings and the 3 page advertisements, but have you also seen that the good reverend Moon is YOUR LORD AND SAVIOR? LOL.

4 - Jim Jones / David Koresh / Marshall Applewhite

It's another tie for our list. Jim Jones, ol' Dave Koresh, and wild-eyed Marshall sure got the corner on weird. They also have the corner on dead. At least they had the testicular fortitude to take it (or have it given to them) the way their sheep did.

3 - Carl H Stevens

Uh, if you have found yourself at this website then we'll just assume that you know the score on Stevens. If you're reasonable, you'll know that really, probably, objectively, he's not all that bad as evil cult leaders go, but... oh, what the hell, he's a jackass!

2 - Fred Phelps

Fred Phelps is an absolute asshole. Yeah, Fred, we all get it: you don't like gay people. Wow, thanks. You sure got a real edifying message there, don't ya numbnuts? GET OVER IT! This ain't "Lamentations" and you ain't Jeremiah, son. My greatest desire is for God to drop this punk into a gay universe for a few hundred million years.

1 - Tom Cruise

That's right folks, Tom takes the cake. Why? Because he's a friggin' fruitloop S.O.B. The proof is in the pudding. He's turned into a prophet of scientology, gallivanting across the land, gathering converts, attacking famous talkshow hosts (click here to see a clip), and impregnating nubiles half his age in spite of the fact that his whacked out religion teaches that orgasmic sex is evil.

Feel free to email us with YOUR version of the list! liquidwavesoflove @ yahoo.com